if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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