if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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