I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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