I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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