so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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