i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
