his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
