How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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