turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
