census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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