so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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