When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
