Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i believe in u and ur pee
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
