____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
