Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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