My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
