Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
