Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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