You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
