Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
