if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
