Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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