Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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