Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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