i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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