I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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