I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
