my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
