i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
