At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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