I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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