OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
