Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
