tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
