i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
