my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sober January is a disaster.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
