I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
