Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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