I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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