I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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