I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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