thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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