if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
