i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
not ubering you a puppy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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