I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
