I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
