Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
