Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
