Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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