True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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