I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
